Here's a little PSA for you:
If someone comes you in a professional or personal capacity and shares with you their desire to be in a relationship, please don’t say...oh you just need to love your Self first.
For real. It’s an asshole thing to say. And extra don’t say it if you are already in a relationship.
It’s not just mean & uninsightful...it’s plain not true.
First of all, Self-love is not requirement of anything. While it is a powerful experience, we don’t just love your Selves and suddenly get everything we want. Actual Self-love (as opposed to Self-care or silently waging a war within, trying to get the parts you don’t like to shut up and behave) is an active process that you will need to engage in throughout your whole life. There will always be more of you to Love.
Second, lots of people in long term, awesome relationships don’t always love themSelves. They may be very far from what you have decided Self-love is. Their relationships may be what help them step into experiences of Self-love.
Third, there is BIG chance you don’t love every little bit of your Self either. Not because you are a terrible person. But because you are human. There are probably parts of your being you fight with. Parts that you struggle with. Parts that you do not love and refuse to look at. We may not like to say it out loud, but it is the TRUTH.
And last but certainly not least...loving themSelves may not be what is “blocking” them. Fuck, nothing may be blocking them. The Adventure of their Soul may not include partnership at this exact moment in time. Or any moment. It became very clear to me at one my point in my life that despite my desire, my Soul was inviting me into other experiences and I, in hindsight, am so glad I said yes. But is was hard to swallow at the time.
All that can be a painful realization.
To move through, it requires the grieving of expectations unmet.
It requires a shifting of vision.
It requires stepping into this moment of life in a different way then hoped for.
In terms of blocks, there may be a variety of things in the way of them having the relationship they desire. I was single for ever, and I can assure you that it was not about Self-love. Yes, learning to end the war within and for real love my Self was AMAZING. And it helped in my willingness to be seen and vulnerable. But was not what was really standing in the way.
I work with a lot of folks whose blocks go back to ancient commitments and ancestral protections. Untangle that with a pithy sentiment.
Sometimes, it sure is about Self-Love. And a lot of times it is not.
So instead of saying trite things that mean nothing and hurt people unnecessarily, try these ideas instead…
Listen. Don’t talk back. Don’t try to make it better. Just listen.
Let them be in their pain. Let them feel. Acknowledge what is present for them. Don’t minimize. Don’t say shit like, “oh you have lots of relationships and love in your life” when you know good and well what they mean.
DON’T TRY TO FIX THEM. It will only make them feel broken. They are not broken because they aren’t in a relationship.
Get off any superior/inferior kick you might be on.
Deal with your own discomfort with the topic on your own time.
Help them be with their desire.
Help them find the true invitation.
Help them answer it in ways that are meaningful for them.
Help them find joy and pleasure.
Help them with practical experiences like dating, connection, intimacy.
Never, ever, ever say “oh you just need to love your Self first” ever, ever again.