We are sold a bill of goods that says that an Amazing Human Experience is all about getting everything we desire. We have dreams and those dreams are meant to come true.
And if we don’t have everything…if we haven’t manifested it…we are doing something wrong.
I bought into that. For a long fucking time.
I lived in shame for years and years because I wanted things that I did not have.
I figured I must be doing something wrong.
But I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.
So I must be wrong, as a person. As a being.
I figured, that at my core, something was broken because I wanted things that I did not have. I waited and waited.
I tried everything, everything, everything.
I got nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
I hid my desires and dreams. Deep in the well. Because I did not want to be wrong. So if I didn’t desire, then I couldn’t not have my desire and I couldn’t be wrong.
I hid my Self. Because the ache of supposed brokenness was more than I wanted to bear.
I invested in people who could said they could fix me.
There were cleanses and books and journals and classes and more.
I did everything I was supposed to. I ached. And fought. And cried.
Until I stopped. Until I took a breath. Until I refused to punish my Self any more for life not meeting the expectations that were laid out before me.
I stopped processing. I stopped hating my Self. I stopped the war that raged in my being. I stopped.
And I saw. Just how much was actually there.
The truth is that an Amazing Human Experience has nothing to do with getting what we want. (Or really, what we think we want. Because let’s be honest, so much of what we call our desires are just things that might make us feel worthy and deserving, if we actually get them…not the true calls of our being.)
An Amazing Human Experience is where we meet our Self.
Where we meet our Soul.
It’s where we hear the invitations of our Soul, whatever they are…and allow them to guide us wherever they go. It’s where we find our voice. It’s where we find our compassion. It’s where we find our connection.
An Amazing Human Experience is one where we dismantle all that is not our Truth so that we may become who we are and have always been. An amazing Human Experience is where we heal from the Roots.
It’s where we allow for pleasure to serve us. And where we serve those we adventure with, in ways that allow for all to be seen and loved as they are.
An amazing human experience is rife with unmet expectations. It has pain. It has failure. It has destruction and creation. It has space to learn. To teach. To integrate.
An amazing Human Experience may happen in big, grand ways. It may also happen in small, subtle moments of life. And it will look different with each spin of the kaleidoscope
But most of all…it’s not in some far off, far away land that you have to bleed to get to.
And it is yours for the living.
I used to ask clients what they wanted. What they desired. I wanted to hear their dreams.
I don't ask any more.
I don't ask because so very often what we want. What we invest in. What we wishhopepray for is not what we want.
It's what we think we should want.
It's what we hope will make us worthy. Lovable. Whole.
It's what we think will stop the pain.
I used to ask clients what they wanted and they would tell me.
We would work towards it until they hit the same walls they always hit.
Except this time we would do the work. We would journey to their depths. We would live in the stories they were told. We would love the pain that rose up.
When we were done, things were different.
What they wanted was different.
And creating it wasn't a problem, because the destruction of what kept them from their Truth. Their Knowing. Their Self...it was well under way.
My work is no longer about what we want.
My work is the unravelling.
My work is the destruction.
My work is about clearing away whatever is in the way.
So that creation can happen based on what we actually desire, not what we think is going to save us.
I was stuck.
I knew that I was stuck. I knew that I didn’t want to be. But I couldn’t figure out how to get unstuck.
I knew I wanted things to be different. I wanted to feel motivated. I wanted to feel electric.
And for all my wanting, I was still stuck.
I began looking within and there was this voice.
This clear voice of my Self. Of my guides. Of my Soul. This clear voice that told me I needed to look at what I refused to see.
I set the intention to see and waited.
At night I dreamt of moments where I was out of my integrity. Moments where lies wove into my being.
I tossed and turned, trying to look but not wanting to see.
And that that voice. The clear one...it reminded me of a moment. A few moments actually. One, in particular...A flash of a time from years ago where I decided that I was going to have an amazing human experience. And anything else be damned.
Except that there was a part of me that didn’t want a human experience. A part that was not so keen on all the work. A part that struggled with the struggle of it all.
It wasn’t that she wanted to be gone, but she didn’t want to be here either.
I had chosen to ignore her. I pushed that part of me far away because it wasn’t part of my current aesthetic. It wasn’t part of who I wanted to be. It was wrong and bad and not what I preached. So I didn’t look at it. I tried to forget it.
But it roared. And it wrapped itself around me. Tethering me to stuckness. Because I refused to look, I couldn’t see what was really going on.
Until, of course, I was willing to open my eyes and see this part of me that I had been unwilling to acknowledge.
The shame. The fear. The sadness. The anger.
All there. All there. All there.
So was this part. And I could I could see it. Finally. I could acknowledge this part and let it be.
It was not all of me, just a part of me. In that seeing, in that acknowledgement, the stuckness began to shift. I could finally see what was in the way.
And that is where the work began in earnest. The I usually do with clients, I did on my Self. I moved Root to Core to Crown. I healed the past lives that anchored in this experience. I cleared pathways. I stepped out of the haze.
I didn’t run from the part that didn’t want to be here. I loved it. As it was...all of what it was.
I stepped deeper, deeper and deeper still into the human experience. Into the brilliance and majesty and pain and everything that it is. Because I could see. I could know. I could be and become more of who I have always been.
Stuckness often lives in the spaces we are not yet willing to see. Not able to see.
But when we are willing to see. When we are able. When we do...When we stop running and admit the truth we rather keep hidden. The stuckness rolls back and our Self calls us forward.
This is the work. This the work of The Human Experience. We are called to see our Selves. Shed our stories. And root deeply into our Truth. We are invited to become who we are and have always been.
Where are you stuck? What might you be unwilling to see?
I want for you to fail.
Not because I don’t want you to succeed.
But because I want for you the experience of failing and discovering that you are not a failure.
That it makes no matter in who you are.
I want you to see that there are gifts in failure. And not just the shitty kind that we pretend are gifts but we don’t really want to hold. Real gifts, like new ideas and radical insights that only come when we have stumbled through the unknown and realize we have gotten it all wrong.
I want to live in a world where people who are marginalized are able to fail without the rest of the society judging their community by the missteps of one. AND...I want those missteps to be allowed. To be cherished. To be celebrated as part of any and every creative process ever, ever, ever. I want everyone to revel in the grace and power that failure can bring.
I want us all to know that we don’t have to prove our worth through our doing.
I was us all to be allowed to fail and still know that we are worthy of being present.
I want all of us to how the freedom to try new things, fuck up and try again. Or quit, because that is fine too.
When I want something…when I am aching for it.
When I feel like I will do whatever it takes to make it happen...I ask my Self a few questions:
What will having or experiencing this thing give me?
What will it make me?
Who will I be when it is mine?
Because if I can answer those questions clearly, I can see my why.
And I can stop my Self from doing something because I think it will make me worthy. Better than. Lovable. Whatever.
That fancy toy won't make me better.
Because losing weight isn't going to make me worthy.
That new, shiny business thing won't make me good.
Asking those questions gets me out of the game of trying to prove my worth.
I can look at what is really going on. I can see that some part within my Self is hurting. That some part forgot who they are. That some part within needs me. All of me. To show up. Not to fix them, but to love them. Right as they are. In pain and in pieces.
And there are plenty of times when I answer those questions and I can clearly know that the desire is MINE. It serves me and my life...and does not try to get me to prove my worth, then I move forward. I create.
I do so rooted into and nourished by a clear desire rather than a bullshit belief that I am inherently not enough.
That thing you think you should be over.
That one that keeps showing up, even after you said you were done with it once and for all.
Maybe it’s a story about worth. Or laziness. Or safety.
Maybe it’s a fear of being seen. Being left. Being alone.
Maybe it’s a stuckness that tangles you up right before the newness begins. You can do all the work in the world to heal it and it may still be there.
Because healing is not the absence of symptoms. Healing is a shift in perspective.
Healing is the refusal to enter a war with your Self.
Healing is the willingness to embrace every piece of who you are, yes including that one that you thought you fixed long ago.
But that piece is still there.
It may always be.
It may rise up in need.
It may bring attention to its ancient aches.
It may speak to you in whatever language it has been taught, including shame and anger. The goal is not get rid of any part of you. You can’t, even if you tried.
All of you is all of you. And that part...the part that has been hurt...is still a part of your experience.
The healing happens when you see it and stop running from it.
The healing happens when you stop believing its story to be true.
The healing happens when you love that part of your Self just as it is. In the middle of its being exactly who it is.
If you are willing to be different with that experience...if you are willing to learn that is showing you the way to what you need...if you are willing to listen to your depths...healing happens.
And that is when you become more of your Self than ever before.
I’ve been thinking about breakthroughs. And how when we are aching for one, we only think about the through.
About what is on the other side. About having what we want.
We think about breakthroughs, we forget about the break.
But for a breakthrough to happen, we must allow something to break.
We can’t get through without disturbing...destroying...the space we have been stuck in.
We must allow for the image and perceptions we hold to shatter.
We must let the worn out grooves crumble.
We must let the stories burn.
There is no breakthrough without a break.
And yes...it can be hard.
And yes...it can be scary.
There is comfort in what we know. Even if it is too small. Too tangled. Too painful.
We don’t know who we will be...how we will be...when we land on the other side with what was in pieces around us.
But the seed rises and breakthroughs the soil.
The landscape is changed.
What was is no more.
That seed cracks open the surface and creates space for itSelf to become.
And we must do the same, if we are to rise and become... Root to Core to Crown.
Healing must include destruction.
We must be willing to cleave our Selves from the stories that have anchored us to stuckness.
We must be willing to break apart the walls that create distance within our Selves.
We must be willing to burn away the haze that clouds our vision.
Destruction is as vital, if not more so, then creation when it comes to healing.
And we must embrace it.
We must rise up in our Selves and clear the pathway for all the newness we desire.
Here's a little PSA for you:
If someone comes you in a professional or personal capacity and shares with you their desire to be in a relationship, please don’t say...oh you just need to love your Self first.
For real. It’s an asshole thing to say. And extra don’t say it if you are already in a relationship.
It’s not just mean & uninsightful...it’s plain not true.
First of all, Self-love is not requirement of anything. While it is a powerful experience, we don’t just love your Selves and suddenly get everything we want. Actual Self-love (as opposed to Self-care or silently waging a war within, trying to get the parts you don’t like to shut up and behave) is an active process that you will need to engage in throughout your whole life. There will always be more of you to Love.
Second, lots of people in long term, awesome relationships don’t always love themSelves. They may be very far from what you have decided Self-love is. Their relationships may be what help them step into experiences of Self-love.
Third, there is BIG chance you don’t love every little bit of your Self either. Not because you are a terrible person. But because you are human. There are probably parts of your being you fight with. Parts that you struggle with. Parts that you do not love and refuse to look at. We may not like to say it out loud, but it is the TRUTH.
And last but certainly not least...loving themSelves may not be what is “blocking” them. Fuck, nothing may be blocking them. The Adventure of their Soul may not include partnership at this exact moment in time. Or any moment. It became very clear to me at one my point in my life that despite my desire, my Soul was inviting me into other experiences and I, in hindsight, am so glad I said yes. But is was hard to swallow at the time.
All that can be a painful realization.
To move through, it requires the grieving of expectations unmet.
It requires a shifting of vision.
It requires stepping into this moment of life in a different way then hoped for.
In terms of blocks, there may be a variety of things in the way of them having the relationship they desire. I was single for ever, and I can assure you that it was not about Self-love. Yes, learning to end the war within and for real love my Self was AMAZING. And it helped in my willingness to be seen and vulnerable. But was not what was really standing in the way.
I work with a lot of folks whose blocks go back to ancient commitments and ancestral protections. Untangle that with a pithy sentiment.
Sometimes, it sure is about Self-Love. And a lot of times it is not.
So instead of saying trite things that mean nothing and hurt people unnecessarily, try these ideas instead…
Listen. Don’t talk back. Don’t try to make it better. Just listen.
Let them be in their pain. Let them feel. Acknowledge what is present for them. Don’t minimize. Don’t say shit like, “oh you have lots of relationships and love in your life” when you know good and well what they mean.
DON’T TRY TO FIX THEM. It will only make them feel broken. They are not broken because they aren’t in a relationship.
Get off any superior/inferior kick you might be on.
Deal with your own discomfort with the topic on your own time.
Help them be with their desire.
Help them find the true invitation.
Help them answer it in ways that are meaningful for them.
Help them find joy and pleasure.
Help them with practical experiences like dating, connection, intimacy.
Never, ever, ever say “oh you just need to love your Self first” ever, ever again.
Healing requires sacrifice.
We must lay down the stories that feed the stuckness and shame.
The ones that were passed down through the ages...the ones woven into our being.
The ones holding protection and pain.
We must shed the identities we wear as a second skin...the shrouds that allow us to hide in the wide open.
We must offer our fear, our clenched fists, our roundabout patterns to the fire and let them to burn.
We must tear apart the mythology that whispers lies of conditions and worth.
To remember our Wholeness and Truth we must lay it all out on the altar of life.
We must sacrifice all that we are not in order to become who we have always been.