|
Pick out the meanest, most violent voice that lives in your head.
The one you don’t even like to admit exists. Pick that one. And love it. Just as it is. Without qualifications or justifications. Without requiring it to change. Pull it in. Hold it close. Re-member it to the whole of who you are. Because it is you. It is a part of you. A part that picked up a way of being to survive. A part that embodied a system of oppression and abuse in order to stay alive. And if yelling at it or only focusing on the hurt that it has caused you worked, then you would not still be dealing with it. But you are. It still lives and thrives. It still breathes and feeds and says shit that hurts. And pushing it away. Ignoring it. Yelling back as if it is a whole separate entity from your Self does not work. It does not heal. It does not create change. All it does is embroil yourSelf deeper in a war that steals you away from the human experience you are aching for. That part. That piece. That voice that screams and rages and riots within you is a part of the whole of who you are. Healing happens as you remind it, through your willingness to embrace it, that it (and by extension you) are worthy of love just as it (and you) are. No matter what. That doesn’t mean that you have to keep doing the same shit over and over. It just means that as you, in your electrically whole Self, create a new groove, you get to do so without a war constantly calling you back into pain. ***** Want to know how to do this? A real, actual process? Below is what I call The Process of Loving...it will walk you through a way to love that voice and every other piece of your amazing Self. ***** To begin, choose a voice, a story, feeling or belief that is rattling around in your consciousness. Choose something that feels potent right now. You cannot pick wrong. Close your eyelids and feel energy of that story. Where do you feel it in your body? Take a moment to notice. Look at the energy in your mind’s eye. What does it look like? How is it showing itself to you? Simply allow it to take shape. It doesn’t need to make any sense. Then, I invite you to ask this energy if there is anything it would like to tell you or anything you need to know. Really ask...do not guess as to its answer. Then, simply listen. Allow the answer to come forth. It doesn’t need to be right. It doesn’t need to make sense. Just let it speak. Do not engage it in conversation. Let it say what needs to be said and let that be it. Now, I invite you to look at the energy and love it. To the best of your ability, send the energy of love right to it. Just as it is...without it having to do or be anything different. Send love to it like you might send love to someone asking for prayers or light. You might consider imagining holding the image in your hands or cradling it like an infant. I often imagine a “Care Bear Stare” where I just shine love onto the image. Send love to it until you feel complete. Take a moment to check in and see if anything has shifted. Just take note. From this space, you get to know the truth. You are here. Present. On purpose by your very nature. You are here to have an amazing human experience. Everything is created to enhance that.  We all feel the beckoning of Becoming.
We all feel the invitation to rise within our Selves. We all feel the pull to shed the stories that limit our possibilities. We all feel the desire to live the Amazing Human Experience our Soul is calling for. We all feel it because that is what we are here for. To Become. To rise. To shed. To live. We are here in service. To the Soul. Personal. Universal. And the beacon, tempting us to our Selves, will pulse for always. Even when we ignore it, pretending not be on the journey we are on. Even when we close our eyes to who we are. Even when are locked within and can’t rage our way out. Even then, there is a call. In those moments, the glimpse of remembering may tangle everything up even more. The work we imagine is in front of us is simply too much. There is too much to reckon with. Our skin is too raw. Our being too far. And while that may be true. It is also true that there is nowhere to go. The desire and ache we feel to step into the life we know is ours, is set to be quenched here. In this breath. In this imperfection. In this wildness. We get to answer the invitation, not so that it take us to some mythical wonderland. Not for wishes and wants granted. Not to make it all better, but to make it so. Because that is who we are. We are Souls becoming. And there is nothing to prove. There is only something to embrace.  It is not loving your body that will heal your relationship with your body.
It’s loving the voice inside that hates your body that creates actual healing. It’s accepting that right at this moment, you may not love your Self like you think you should. It is accepting that there is a part within that wants to control. That thinks it can protect you from the hate, by hating first. By hating louder. It’s about acceptance not fighting your Self about it. Not fighting that part. Not making it fight back. It’s about letting that part be seen. Be loved. Without agreeing with it. Or withholding your Self from it. It’s about loving that part of you without reservation or condition...simply because it is there. It is you. It’s about recognizing that the part is a part of you. A part of the Whole. And any violence committed against it, it violence committed against you. It’s about taking that part in, instead of pushing it away. Reminding it that it is home. That it is Loved...just as it is. It is then that the war stops. It is then that the healing happens. Sometimes what we really want to do is let go.
Let go of that pain. Let go of that pattern. Let go of the wall that is in the way. And, sometimes, what we really have to do hold it close. Even that pain. Even that pattern. Even that thing we want to be done with so damn much. Sometimes, what we have to embrace it. We have to stop pushing it away. Stop trying to separate our Selves from it. Stop trying to separate our Self. And I want to be beyond clear here, none of this is saying to let your Self hurt. None of this is saying to hold abuse or abuser closer. None of this saying to not walk away. What I am saying is that we cannot walk away from our Selves. We cannot walk away from that voice inside that spews venom. Or the part that weeps and aches and tries to fill itSelf up in all the ways that it can. We can not walk away from the parts we hate and the parts that hate. The path to healing is rarely, if ever, about abandoning your Self. And if you try to shame your Self into change. If you try to ignore the voices that rage. If you try to run from the parts that hold the fire. You are trying to abandon you Self. And if you will find your Self stuck. We have to let those parts and pieces of our being. know that even though they hurt...even though they have hurt us...we see them. We love them. We have to re-member them to the whole that is our Truth. We have to let them know that the behaviors will change. But the part of us that has held on...the part of us that has tried in its own way to protect us...needs to be shown the way home.
Sometimes I wonder if part of the problem is that we spend too much time with our Selves.
That we are with our Selves every moment of every day and so we aren’t able to see. We are too well acclimated with our brilliance, so when we look in the mirror it all just looks like the dull sheen of life. When someone else sees the love. The kindness. The compassion. The wisdom. The spark of life. When someone else tells how amazing we are. We dismiss it. Because we were there last Tuesday when our temper was short. Or our mind was judgy. Or the anger rose and we were stuck in a swirl of wanting things to be different but unable to do anything about it. We figure they must be wrong. We can’t imagine that we...or regular old Self...could be anything more than our regular old Self. And sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we could separate from our Selves, just a little. Just enough. Enough for us to see who we are. To see the power of the words we speak. The actions we take. The love we offer. I wonder if, in that separation, we might find space for forgiveness. To release our Selves from the judgments we have carried in our bones...judging our Selves as less and more and worthy and not. I wonder, if in that space, we might be able to actually see who we are.
This is a short, guided audio process into a powerful moment of sacrifice and surrender.
We are sold a bill of goods that says that an Amazing Human Experience is all about getting everything we desire. We have dreams and those dreams are meant to come true.
And if we don’t have everything…if we haven’t manifested it…we are doing something wrong. I bought into that. For a long fucking time. I lived in shame for years and years because I wanted things that I did not have. I figured I must be doing something wrong. But I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. So I must be wrong, as a person. As a being. I figured, that at my core, something was broken because I wanted things that I did not have. I waited and waited. I tried everything, everything, everything. I got nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I hid my desires and dreams. Deep in the well. Because I did not want to be wrong. So if I didn’t desire, then I couldn’t not have my desire and I couldn’t be wrong. I hid my Self. Because the ache of supposed brokenness was more than I wanted to bear. I invested in people who could said they could fix me. There were cleanses and books and journals and classes and more. I did everything I was supposed to. I ached. And fought. And cried. Until I stopped. Until I took a breath. Until I refused to punish my Self any more for life not meeting the expectations that were laid out before me. I stopped processing. I stopped hating my Self. I stopped the war that raged in my being. I stopped. And I saw. Just how much was actually there. The truth is that an Amazing Human Experience has nothing to do with getting what we want. (Or really, what we think we want. Because let’s be honest, so much of what we call our desires are just things that might make us feel worthy and deserving, if we actually get them…not the true calls of our being.) An Amazing Human Experience is where we meet our Self. Where we meet our Soul. It’s where we hear the invitations of our Soul, whatever they are…and allow them to guide us wherever they go. It’s where we find our voice. It’s where we find our compassion. It’s where we find our connection. An Amazing Human Experience is one where we dismantle all that is not our Truth so that we may become who we are and have always been. An amazing Human Experience is where we heal from the Roots. It’s where we allow for pleasure to serve us. And where we serve those we adventure with, in ways that allow for all to be seen and loved as they are. An amazing human experience is rife with unmet expectations. It has pain. It has failure. It has destruction and creation. It has space to learn. To teach. To integrate. An amazing Human Experience may happen in big, grand ways. It may also happen in small, subtle moments of life. And it will look different with each spin of the kaleidoscope But most of all…it’s not in some far off, far away land that you have to bleed to get to. It’s here. Right here. And it is yours for the living. I used to ask clients what they wanted. What they desired. I wanted to hear their dreams.
I don't ask any more. I don't ask because so very often what we want. What we invest in. What we wishhopepray for is not what we want. It's what we think we should want. It's what we hope will make us worthy. Lovable. Whole. It's what we think will stop the pain. I used to ask clients what they wanted and they would tell me. We would work towards it until they hit the same walls they always hit. Except this time we would do the work. We would journey to their depths. We would live in the stories they were told. We would love the pain that rose up. When we were done, things were different. What they wanted was different. And creating it wasn't a problem, because the destruction of what kept them from their Truth. Their Knowing. Their Self...it was well under way. My work is no longer about what we want. My work is the unravelling. My work is the destruction. My work is about clearing away whatever is in the way. So that creation can happen based on what we actually desire, not what we think is going to save us. I was stuck.
I knew that I was stuck. I knew that I didn’t want to be. But I couldn’t figure out how to get unstuck. I knew I wanted things to be different. I wanted to feel motivated. I wanted to feel electric. And for all my wanting, I was still stuck. I began looking within and there was this voice. This clear voice of my Self. Of my guides. Of my Soul. This clear voice that told me I needed to look at what I refused to see. I set the intention to see and waited. At night I dreamt of moments where I was out of my integrity. Moments where lies wove into my being. I tossed and turned, trying to look but not wanting to see. And that that voice. The clear one...it reminded me of a moment. A few moments actually. One, in particular...A flash of a time from years ago where I decided that I was going to have an amazing human experience. And anything else be damned. Except that there was a part of me that didn’t want a human experience. A part that was not so keen on all the work. A part that struggled with the struggle of it all. It wasn’t that she wanted to be gone, but she didn’t want to be here either. I had chosen to ignore her. I pushed that part of me far away because it wasn’t part of my current aesthetic. It wasn’t part of who I wanted to be. It was wrong and bad and not what I preached. So I didn’t look at it. I tried to forget it. But it roared. And it wrapped itself around me. Tethering me to stuckness. Because I refused to look, I couldn’t see what was really going on. Until, of course, I was willing to open my eyes and see this part of me that I had been unwilling to acknowledge. The shame. The fear. The sadness. The anger. All there. All there. All there. So was this part. And I could I could see it. Finally. I could acknowledge this part and let it be. It was not all of me, just a part of me. In that seeing, in that acknowledgement, the stuckness began to shift. I could finally see what was in the way. And that is where the work began in earnest. The I usually do with clients, I did on my Self. I moved Root to Core to Crown. I healed the past lives that anchored in this experience. I cleared pathways. I stepped out of the haze. I didn’t run from the part that didn’t want to be here. I loved it. As it was...all of what it was. I stepped deeper, deeper and deeper still into the human experience. Into the brilliance and majesty and pain and everything that it is. Because I could see. I could know. I could be and become more of who I have always been. Stuckness often lives in the spaces we are not yet willing to see. Not able to see. But when we are willing to see. When we are able. When we do...When we stop running and admit the truth we rather keep hidden. The stuckness rolls back and our Self calls us forward. This is the work. This the work of The Human Experience. We are called to see our Selves. Shed our stories. And root deeply into our Truth. We are invited to become who we are and have always been. Where are you stuck? What might you be unwilling to see? I want for you to fail.
Not because I don’t want you to succeed. But because I want for you the experience of failing and discovering that you are not a failure. That it makes no matter in who you are. I want you to see that there are gifts in failure. And not just the shitty kind that we pretend are gifts but we don’t really want to hold. Real gifts, like new ideas and radical insights that only come when we have stumbled through the unknown and realize we have gotten it all wrong. I want to live in a world where people who are marginalized are able to fail without the rest of the society judging their community by the missteps of one. AND...I want those missteps to be allowed. To be cherished. To be celebrated as part of any and every creative process ever, ever, ever. I want everyone to revel in the grace and power that failure can bring. I want us all to know that we don’t have to prove our worth through our doing. I was us all to be allowed to fail and still know that we are worthy of being present. I want all of us to how the freedom to try new things, fuck up and try again. Or quit, because that is fine too. |
RSS Feed