We are sold a bill of goods that says that an Amazing Human Experience is all about getting everything we desire. We have dreams and those dreams are meant to come true.
And if we don’t have everything…if we haven’t manifested it…we are doing something wrong.
I bought into that. For a long fucking time.
I lived in shame for years and years because I wanted things that I did not have. 
I figured I must be doing something wrong.
But I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.
So I must be wrong, as a person. As a being.
I figured, that at my core, something was broken because I wanted things that I did not have. I waited and waited.
I tried everything, everything, everything.
I got nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
I hid my desires and dreams. Deep in the well. Because I did not want to be wrong. So if I didn’t desire, then I couldn’t not have my desire and I couldn’t be wrong.
I hid my Self. Because the ache of supposed brokenness was more than I wanted to bear.
I invested in people who could said they could fix me.
There were cleanses and books and journals and classes and more.
I did everything I was supposed to. I ached. And fought. And cried.
Until I stopped. Until I took a breath. Until I refused to punish my Self any more for life not meeting the expectations that were laid out before me.
I stopped processing. I stopped hating my Self. I stopped the war that raged in my being. I stopped.
And I saw. Just how much was actually there.
The truth is that an Amazing Human Experience has nothing to do with getting what we want. (Or really, what we think we want. Because let’s be honest, so much of what we call our desires are just things that might make us feel worthy and deserving, if we actually get them…not the true calls of our being.)
An Amazing Human Experience is where we meet our Self.
Where we meet our Soul.
It’s where we hear the invitations of our Soul, whatever they are…and allow them to guide us wherever they go. It’s where we find our voice. It’s where we find our compassion. It’s where we find our connection.
An Amazing Human Experience is one where we dismantle all that is not our Truth so that we may become who we are and have always been. An amazing Human Experience is where we heal from the Roots.
It’s where we allow for pleasure to serve us. And where we serve those we adventure with, in ways that allow for all to be seen and loved as they are.
An amazing human experience is rife with unmet expectations. It has pain. It has failure. It has destruction and creation. It has space to learn. To teach. To integrate.
An amazing Human Experience may happen in big, grand ways. It may also happen in small, subtle moments of life. And it will look different with each spin of the kaleidoscope
But most of all…it’s not in some far off, far away land that you have to bleed to get to.
It’s here.
Right here.
And it is yours for the living.

Shame roots deep. 
Left unchecked it becomes what feeds us. What fuels us. 
Deeper than that...it becomes what we pass on to the generations ahead. 
Deeper still...is what we receive from generations past. 

Seeds of shame lay in our ancestral lineage. 
This is the shame that our grandparents felt. That their grandparents felt. Any beyond. 
This is the shame they were saddled with. That shame that was twisted around them. 
Some for mistakes made. Some for simply being. 
And it is passed on. Passed down.
The shame...the invitation of it unmet...writhes and screams at is moves from life to life. 
Whispering that we are not enough. That we must hide. That we must quit and run and prove and die. 

When we, here and now, are willing to address the shame...healing happens.

We must bring the shame out from depths. 
Acknowledge its roots. 
Love its tender fears. 
And destroy the structures that have kept you...and all those who held it before you...stuck. 

Because shame roots deeap. 
And our Truth Roots deeper. ​

So, I am sitting here.
Right now.
And I can feel this part of me.
This not so little part.
Hiding.
I watch her.
The little green monstery looking fluff.
Living in rage.
In fear.
In smoke and mirrors.
Because being seen is on the agenda.
And she is not just hiding.
That doesn’t do her power justice.
She rips and claws.
Pulls every bit of me that she can manage behind these thick, red curtains.
For reasons I don’t think I even have words.
Yet there she is.
This scream that wants to rise from my belly.
This ache to crumple in on myself.
This paralyzing apathy that just sits.
This haze that swirls in confusion telling me I don’t know what I want, when really…I so fucking do know.
I can fight her.
I have.
She wins.
Because she has a skin in the game the whole of me never will.
So I won’t.
Instead.
I will love her.
Because it’s what I do.
Not because it will fix her.
She doesn’t need my patronizing glare.
But because I am more of my Self when I do.
And then I will listen.
To a knowing.
That this moment.
Right now.
Is an invitation.
To not hide.
To show you.
My Self.
I will remember that when I know the invitation.
I can hear my Soul.
And when I hear my Soul.
I can honor the adventure.
That is way bigger.
Than what this moment seems to be.
And though I don’t know what it all means.
I will accept the invitation.
To show up.
To not fix.
To heed the call.
To live the adventure.
To embrace the wildness of my human experience.
To do the shit that I do.
To be seen.
As is.
As I am.
In this moment.

Loving every part of who I am is not a way to coddle myself.
To excuse shitty behavior.
To do some sort of spiritual bypass…
“Oh I don’t have to look or feel or anything because I love myself as I am.”
 
I don’t love myself to fix anything.
I don’t do it make myself better.
I don’t do it turn a blind eye to any shit that is just not working.
It’s not done out of weakness.
It’s not done to hide.
Or runaway.
I don’t get all tangled in the stories.
Or the well worn grooves that spiral in only on themselves.
 
I love every fucking piece of who I am because that is the path.
The doorway.
The entry point to who I am.
Into my truth.
My power.
My wholeness.
I cannot fight a war and stand in my majesty.
Yell and scream and all that bullshit.
It doesn’t work.
That part that want’s to fight…it’s just some other part of me thinking that it’s the Queen.
When it’s not.
It’s just a part.
A part that wants control.
It’s not my truth.
Not my wholeness.
 
I get this life.
I am not going to spend it living from a part of me.
Not when the All Of Who I Am is waiting right there.
Any part that wants to wage war on my being is not ME.
Not my WHOLENESS.
And I will love that part.
Because I can.
Because that act, brings me right back to center.
Because the act of loving anchors me deep into the truth of who I am.
Into my WHOLENESS.
From there, I act.
I create.
I destroy.
I work with whatever needs to be worked with.
I don’t let parts of me take over.
I reign supreme.

Let’s talk Ego.
Not the bullshit notion of Ego…where it is some wounded monster we have to wrestle with and kill in order to live some spiritual life of bliss and blahblah.
Let’s talk about the real Ego.
The eye of the human experience.
 
The one who moves.
And talks.
And decides and sees.
 
The Ego was once whole and complete.
But every trauma.
Every issue.
The ego splits and splits.
Into different facets.
With different stories.
Different aches.
Different lusts.
 
The Ego, by it’s nature, is limited.
Yes.
But it’s not bad.
It’s the membrane that holds the human experience intact.
Without it, we might bleed into the ethers.
Losing ourselves to nothing.
 
The Ego’s greatest service is as gatekeeper.
A gatekeeper to the full expression and experience of our wholeness.
A deeper essence of who we truly are call us forward.
The Ego hears it.
Both craves it and runs from.
See, the Ego wants to know.
Wants to remember.
Wants to surrender to Adventure of the Soul.
But it is scared.
 
The Ego is a very human being…unknowing of the ultimate connection.
Or, when learning of that connection, it uses it to create peace at all costs.
It feels fear when asked to trust.
To fall into the next level.
It wants surety.
To know it will be caught.
It can’t understand the path that is unfurling before it.
 
It wonders, “If I jump into the abyss, will I die?
Will I lose myself?
Will I still be seen?
Heard?
Loved?”
 
The Ego takes on it’s vilification.
Believing it is bad.
Bad to have the human desires of desire.
Bad to want and ache.
So it holds on, because it wants what it wants so beautifully.
It does its job, no matter how much it fights with itself.
 
But it also hears the call.
The pulse of the Electric Creative Wholeness.
The meeting point in our consciousness, where human and divine are one.
 
And when our Ego…when we…are willing to love all the fears that stop us from stepping into the grandness of who we truly are…
The Ego opens the gate.
The Ego gets to love the Ego.
 
The act of love does not dissolve the Ego.
It expands it.
Calls it back into wholeness…
And so much more.
The Ego becomes more than the sum of its parts.
It’s becomes The Electric Creative Wholeness.
We become.
Over and over again.
Through the act of love.
And the Ego gets to know that it, as it is, is love.
​

You cannot be more or less spiritual.
No matter how much meditation, yoga or vision questing you do…you won’t be better than someone else at being spiritual.
You are a spiritual being…alive in this human experience.
It is simply the nature of who you are.
You can, however, do this human thing better.
You can be more loving.
More willing.
More YOU than ever fucking before.
You can stop the wars in your noggin.
Stop the wars in your world.
You can serve and connect and create and make epic magic for all the souls dancing in their own human experiences.
You can cultivate your happiness.
Your joy.
Your mighty FUCK YES.
You can use your incredible humanity to connect to your divinity.
To remember who you are.
To stand in your wholeness.
To feel connected to the adventure of your soul.
To heal from the roots.
To really live.
Your spiritual nature is a forgone conclusion.
Your humanity is yours for the crafting.
What are you going to do with it?