Sometimes what we really want to do is let go.
Let go of that pain.
Let go of that pattern.
Let go of the wall that is in the way.
And, sometimes, what we really have to do hold it close.
Even that pain.
Even that pattern.
Even that thing we want to be done with so damn much.
Sometimes, what we have to embrace it.
We have to stop pushing it away.
Stop trying to separate our Selves from it. Stop trying to separate our Self.
And I want to be beyond clear here, none of this is saying to let your Self hurt.
None of this is saying to hold abuse or abuser closer.
None of this saying to not walk away.
What I am saying is that we cannot walk away from our Selves.
We cannot walk away from that voice inside that spews venom.
Or the part that weeps and aches and tries to fill itSelf up in all the ways that it can.
We can not walk away from the parts we hate and the parts that hate.
The path to healing is rarely, if ever, about abandoning your Self.
And if you try to shame your Self into change.
If you try to ignore the voices that rage.
If you try to run from the parts that hold the fire.
You are trying to abandon you Self.
And if you will find your Self stuck.
We have to let those parts and pieces of our being. know that even though they hurt...even though they have hurt us...we see them.
We love them.
We have to re-member them to the whole that is our Truth.
We have to let them know that the behaviors will change.
But the part of us that has held on...the part of us that has tried in its own way to protect us...needs to be shown the way home.
This is a short, guided audio process into a powerful moment of sacrifice and surrender.
We are sold a bill of goods that says that an Amazing Human Experience is all about getting everything we desire. We have dreams and those dreams are meant to come true.
And if we don’t have everything…if we haven’t manifested it…we are doing something wrong.
I bought into that. For a long fucking time.
I lived in shame for years and years because I wanted things that I did not have.
I figured I must be doing something wrong.
But I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.
So I must be wrong, as a person. As a being.
I figured, that at my core, something was broken because I wanted things that I did not have. I waited and waited.
I tried everything, everything, everything.
I got nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
I hid my desires and dreams. Deep in the well. Because I did not want to be wrong. So if I didn’t desire, then I couldn’t not have my desire and I couldn’t be wrong.
I hid my Self. Because the ache of supposed brokenness was more than I wanted to bear.
I invested in people who could said they could fix me.
There were cleanses and books and journals and classes and more.
I did everything I was supposed to. I ached. And fought. And cried.
Until I stopped. Until I took a breath. Until I refused to punish my Self any more for life not meeting the expectations that were laid out before me.
I stopped processing. I stopped hating my Self. I stopped the war that raged in my being. I stopped.
And I saw. Just how much was actually there.
The truth is that an Amazing Human Experience has nothing to do with getting what we want. (Or really, what we think we want. Because let’s be honest, so much of what we call our desires are just things that might make us feel worthy and deserving, if we actually get them…not the true calls of our being.)
An Amazing Human Experience is where we meet our Self.
Where we meet our Soul.
It’s where we hear the invitations of our Soul, whatever they are…and allow them to guide us wherever they go. It’s where we find our voice. It’s where we find our compassion. It’s where we find our connection.
An Amazing Human Experience is one where we dismantle all that is not our Truth so that we may become who we are and have always been. An amazing Human Experience is where we heal from the Roots.
It’s where we allow for pleasure to serve us. And where we serve those we adventure with, in ways that allow for all to be seen and loved as they are.
An amazing human experience is rife with unmet expectations. It has pain. It has failure. It has destruction and creation. It has space to learn. To teach. To integrate.
An amazing Human Experience may happen in big, grand ways. It may also happen in small, subtle moments of life. And it will look different with each spin of the kaleidoscope
But most of all…it’s not in some far off, far away land that you have to bleed to get to.
And it is yours for the living.
I want for you to fail.
Not because I don’t want you to succeed.
But because I want for you the experience of failing and discovering that you are not a failure.
That it makes no matter in who you are.
I want you to see that there are gifts in failure. And not just the shitty kind that we pretend are gifts but we don’t really want to hold. Real gifts, like new ideas and radical insights that only come when we have stumbled through the unknown and realize we have gotten it all wrong.
I want to live in a world where people who are marginalized are able to fail without the rest of the society judging their community by the missteps of one. AND...I want those missteps to be allowed. To be cherished. To be celebrated as part of any and every creative process ever, ever, ever. I want everyone to revel in the grace and power that failure can bring.
I want us all to know that we don’t have to prove our worth through our doing.
I was us all to be allowed to fail and still know that we are worthy of being present.
I want all of us to how the freedom to try new things, fuck up and try again. Or quit, because that is fine too.
When I want something…when I am aching for it.
When I feel like I will do whatever it takes to make it happen...I ask my Self a few questions:
What will having or experiencing this thing give me?
What will it make me?
Who will I be when it is mine?
Because if I can answer those questions clearly, I can see my why.
And I can stop my Self from doing something because I think it will make me worthy. Better than. Lovable. Whatever.
That fancy toy won't make me better.
Because losing weight isn't going to make me worthy.
That new, shiny business thing won't make me good.
Asking those questions gets me out of the game of trying to prove my worth.
I can look at what is really going on. I can see that some part within my Self is hurting. That some part forgot who they are. That some part within needs me. All of me. To show up. Not to fix them, but to love them. Right as they are. In pain and in pieces.
And there are plenty of times when I answer those questions and I can clearly know that the desire is MINE. It serves me and my life...and does not try to get me to prove my worth, then I move forward. I create.
I do so rooted into and nourished by a clear desire rather than a bullshit belief that I am inherently not enough.
That thing you think you should be over.
That one that keeps showing up, even after you said you were done with it once and for all.
Maybe it’s a story about worth. Or laziness. Or safety.
Maybe it’s a fear of being seen. Being left. Being alone.
Maybe it’s a stuckness that tangles you up right before the newness begins. You can do all the work in the world to heal it and it may still be there.
Because healing is not the absence of symptoms. Healing is a shift in perspective.
Healing is the refusal to enter a war with your Self.
Healing is the willingness to embrace every piece of who you are, yes including that one that you thought you fixed long ago.
But that piece is still there.
It may always be.
It may rise up in need.
It may bring attention to its ancient aches.
It may speak to you in whatever language it has been taught, including shame and anger. The goal is not get rid of any part of you. You can’t, even if you tried.
All of you is all of you. And that part...the part that has been hurt...is still a part of your experience.
The healing happens when you see it and stop running from it.
The healing happens when you stop believing its story to be true.
The healing happens when you love that part of your Self just as it is. In the middle of its being exactly who it is.
If you are willing to be different with that experience...if you are willing to learn that is showing you the way to what you need...if you are willing to listen to your depths...healing happens.
And that is when you become more of your Self than ever before.
Here's a little PSA for you:
If someone comes you in a professional or personal capacity and shares with you their desire to be in a relationship, please don’t say...oh you just need to love your Self first.
For real. It’s an asshole thing to say. And extra don’t say it if you are already in a relationship.
It’s not just mean & uninsightful...it’s plain not true.
First of all, Self-love is not requirement of anything. While it is a powerful experience, we don’t just love your Selves and suddenly get everything we want. Actual Self-love (as opposed to Self-care or silently waging a war within, trying to get the parts you don’t like to shut up and behave) is an active process that you will need to engage in throughout your whole life. There will always be more of you to Love.
Second, lots of people in long term, awesome relationships don’t always love themSelves. They may be very far from what you have decided Self-love is. Their relationships may be what help them step into experiences of Self-love.
Third, there is BIG chance you don’t love every little bit of your Self either. Not because you are a terrible person. But because you are human. There are probably parts of your being you fight with. Parts that you struggle with. Parts that you do not love and refuse to look at. We may not like to say it out loud, but it is the TRUTH.
And last but certainly not least...loving themSelves may not be what is “blocking” them. Fuck, nothing may be blocking them. The Adventure of their Soul may not include partnership at this exact moment in time. Or any moment. It became very clear to me at one my point in my life that despite my desire, my Soul was inviting me into other experiences and I, in hindsight, am so glad I said yes. But is was hard to swallow at the time.
All that can be a painful realization.
To move through, it requires the grieving of expectations unmet.
It requires a shifting of vision.
It requires stepping into this moment of life in a different way then hoped for.
In terms of blocks, there may be a variety of things in the way of them having the relationship they desire. I was single for ever, and I can assure you that it was not about Self-love. Yes, learning to end the war within and for real love my Self was AMAZING. And it helped in my willingness to be seen and vulnerable. But was not what was really standing in the way.
I work with a lot of folks whose blocks go back to ancient commitments and ancestral protections. Untangle that with a pithy sentiment.
Sometimes, it sure is about Self-Love. And a lot of times it is not.
So instead of saying trite things that mean nothing and hurt people unnecessarily, try these ideas instead…
Listen. Don’t talk back. Don’t try to make it better. Just listen.
Let them be in their pain. Let them feel. Acknowledge what is present for them. Don’t minimize. Don’t say shit like, “oh you have lots of relationships and love in your life” when you know good and well what they mean.
DON’T TRY TO FIX THEM. It will only make them feel broken. They are not broken because they aren’t in a relationship.
Get off any superior/inferior kick you might be on.
Deal with your own discomfort with the topic on your own time.
Help them be with their desire.
Help them find the true invitation.
Help them answer it in ways that are meaningful for them.
Help them find joy and pleasure.
Help them with practical experiences like dating, connection, intimacy.
Never, ever, ever say “oh you just need to love your Self first” ever, ever again.
Shame roots deep.
Left unchecked it becomes what feeds us. What fuels us.
Deeper than that...it becomes what we pass on to the generations ahead.
Deeper still...is what we receive from generations past.
Seeds of shame lay in our ancestral lineage.
This is the shame that our grandparents felt. That their grandparents felt. Any beyond.
This is the shame they were saddled with. That shame that was twisted around them.
Some for mistakes made. Some for simply being.
And it is passed on. Passed down.
The shame...the invitation of it unmet...writhes and screams at is moves from life to life.
Whispering that we are not enough. That we must hide. That we must quit and run and prove and die.
When we, here and now, are willing to address the shame...healing happens.
We must bring the shame out from depths.
Acknowledge its roots.
Love its tender fears.
And destroy the structures that have kept you...and all those who held it before you...stuck.
Because shame roots deeap.
And our Truth Roots deeper.
So, I am sitting here.
And I can feel this part of me.
This not so little part.
I watch her.
The little green monstery looking fluff.
Living in rage.
In smoke and mirrors.
Because being seen is on the agenda.
And she is not just hiding.
That doesn’t do her power justice.
She rips and claws.
Pulls every bit of me that she can manage behind these thick, red curtains.
For reasons I don’t think I even have words.
Yet there she is.
This scream that wants to rise from my belly.
This ache to crumple in on myself.
This paralyzing apathy that just sits.
This haze that swirls in confusion telling me I don’t know what I want, when really…I so fucking do know.
I can fight her.
Because she has a skin in the game the whole of me never will.
So I won’t.
I will love her.
Because it’s what I do.
Not because it will fix her.
She doesn’t need my patronizing glare.
But because I am more of my Self when I do.
And then I will listen.
To a knowing.
That this moment.
Is an invitation.
To not hide.
To show you.
I will remember that when I know the invitation.
I can hear my Soul.
And when I hear my Soul.
I can honor the adventure.
That is way bigger.
Than what this moment seems to be.
And though I don’t know what it all means.
I will accept the invitation.
To show up.
To not fix.
To heed the call.
To live the adventure.
To embrace the wildness of my human experience.
To do the shit that I do.
To be seen.
As I am.
In this moment.
Loving every part of who I am is not a way to coddle myself.
To excuse shitty behavior.
To do some sort of spiritual bypass…
“Oh I don’t have to look or feel or anything because I love myself as I am.”
I don’t love myself to fix anything.
I don’t do it make myself better.
I don’t do it turn a blind eye to any shit that is just not working.
It’s not done out of weakness.
It’s not done to hide.
I don’t get all tangled in the stories.
Or the well worn grooves that spiral in only on themselves.
I love every fucking piece of who I am because that is the path.
The entry point to who I am.
Into my truth.
I cannot fight a war and stand in my majesty.
Yell and scream and all that bullshit.
It doesn’t work.
That part that want’s to fight…it’s just some other part of me thinking that it’s the Queen.
When it’s not.
It’s just a part.
A part that wants control.
It’s not my truth.
Not my wholeness.
I get this life.
I am not going to spend it living from a part of me.
Not when the All Of Who I Am is waiting right there.
Any part that wants to wage war on my being is not ME.
Not my WHOLENESS.
And I will love that part.
Because I can.
Because that act, brings me right back to center.
Because the act of loving anchors me deep into the truth of who I am.
Into my WHOLENESS.
From there, I act.
I work with whatever needs to be worked with.
I don’t let parts of me take over.
I reign supreme.