When I want something…when I am aching for it.
When I feel like I will do whatever it takes to make it happen...I ask my Self a few questions:
What will having or experiencing this thing give me?
What will it make me?
Who will I be when it is mine?
Because if I can answer those questions clearly, I can see my why.
And I can stop my Self from doing something because I think it will make me worthy. Better than. Lovable. Whatever.
That fancy toy won't make me better.
Because losing weight isn't going to make me worthy.
That new, shiny business thing won't make me good.
Asking those questions gets me out of the game of trying to prove my worth.
I can look at what is really going on. I can see that some part within my Self is hurting. That some part forgot who they are. That some part within needs me. All of me. To show up. Not to fix them, but to love them. Right as they are. In pain and in pieces.
And there are plenty of times when I answer those questions and I can clearly know that the desire is MINE. It serves me and my life...and does not try to get me to prove my worth, then I move forward. I create.
I do so rooted into and nourished by a clear desire rather than a bullshit belief that I am inherently not enough.
That thing you think you should be over.
That one that keeps showing up, even after you said you were done with it once and for all.
Maybe it’s a story about worth. Or laziness. Or safety.
Maybe it’s a fear of being seen. Being left. Being alone.
Maybe it’s a stuckness that tangles you up right before the newness begins. You can do all the work in the world to heal it and it may still be there.
Because healing is not the absence of symptoms. Healing is a shift in perspective.
Healing is the refusal to enter a war with your Self.
Healing is the willingness to embrace every piece of who you are, yes including that one that you thought you fixed long ago.
But that piece is still there.
It may always be.
It may rise up in need.
It may bring attention to its ancient aches.
It may speak to you in whatever language it has been taught, including shame and anger. The goal is not get rid of any part of you. You can’t, even if you tried.
All of you is all of you. And that part...the part that has been hurt...is still a part of your experience.
The healing happens when you see it and stop running from it.
The healing happens when you stop believing its story to be true.
The healing happens when you love that part of your Self just as it is. In the middle of its being exactly who it is.
If you are willing to be different with that experience...if you are willing to learn that is showing you the way to what you need...if you are willing to listen to your depths...healing happens.
And that is when you become more of your Self than ever before.
I’ve been thinking about breakthroughs. And how when we are aching for one, we only think about the through.
About what is on the other side. About having what we want.
We think about breakthroughs, we forget about the break.
But for a breakthrough to happen, we must allow something to break.
We can’t get through without disturbing...destroying...the space we have been stuck in.
We must allow for the image and perceptions we hold to shatter.
We must let the worn out grooves crumble.
We must let the stories burn.
There is no breakthrough without a break.
And yes...it can be hard.
And yes...it can be scary.
There is comfort in what we know. Even if it is too small. Too tangled. Too painful.
We don’t know who we will be...how we will be...when we land on the other side with what was in pieces around us.
But the seed rises and breakthroughs the soil.
The landscape is changed.
What was is no more.
That seed cracks open the surface and creates space for itSelf to become.
And we must do the same, if we are to rise and become... Root to Core to Crown.
Healing must include destruction.
We must be willing to cleave our Selves from the stories that have anchored us to stuckness.
We must be willing to break apart the walls that create distance within our Selves.
We must be willing to burn away the haze that clouds our vision.
Destruction is as vital, if not more so, then creation when it comes to healing.
And we must embrace it.
We must rise up in our Selves and clear the pathway for all the newness we desire.
Here's a little PSA for you:
If someone comes you in a professional or personal capacity and shares with you their desire to be in a relationship, please don’t say...oh you just need to love your Self first.
For real. It’s an asshole thing to say. And extra don’t say it if you are already in a relationship.
It’s not just mean & uninsightful...it’s plain not true.
First of all, Self-love is not requirement of anything. While it is a powerful experience, we don’t just love your Selves and suddenly get everything we want. Actual Self-love (as opposed to Self-care or silently waging a war within, trying to get the parts you don’t like to shut up and behave) is an active process that you will need to engage in throughout your whole life. There will always be more of you to Love.
Second, lots of people in long term, awesome relationships don’t always love themSelves. They may be very far from what you have decided Self-love is. Their relationships may be what help them step into experiences of Self-love.
Third, there is BIG chance you don’t love every little bit of your Self either. Not because you are a terrible person. But because you are human. There are probably parts of your being you fight with. Parts that you struggle with. Parts that you do not love and refuse to look at. We may not like to say it out loud, but it is the TRUTH.
And last but certainly not least...loving themSelves may not be what is “blocking” them. Fuck, nothing may be blocking them. The Adventure of their Soul may not include partnership at this exact moment in time. Or any moment. It became very clear to me at one my point in my life that despite my desire, my Soul was inviting me into other experiences and I, in hindsight, am so glad I said yes. But is was hard to swallow at the time.
All that can be a painful realization.
To move through, it requires the grieving of expectations unmet.
It requires a shifting of vision.
It requires stepping into this moment of life in a different way then hoped for.
In terms of blocks, there may be a variety of things in the way of them having the relationship they desire. I was single for ever, and I can assure you that it was not about Self-love. Yes, learning to end the war within and for real love my Self was AMAZING. And it helped in my willingness to be seen and vulnerable. But was not what was really standing in the way.
I work with a lot of folks whose blocks go back to ancient commitments and ancestral protections. Untangle that with a pithy sentiment.
Sometimes, it sure is about Self-Love. And a lot of times it is not.
So instead of saying trite things that mean nothing and hurt people unnecessarily, try these ideas instead…
Listen. Don’t talk back. Don’t try to make it better. Just listen.
Let them be in their pain. Let them feel. Acknowledge what is present for them. Don’t minimize. Don’t say shit like, “oh you have lots of relationships and love in your life” when you know good and well what they mean.
DON’T TRY TO FIX THEM. It will only make them feel broken. They are not broken because they aren’t in a relationship.
Get off any superior/inferior kick you might be on.
Deal with your own discomfort with the topic on your own time.
Help them be with their desire.
Help them find the true invitation.
Help them answer it in ways that are meaningful for them.
Help them find joy and pleasure.
Help them with practical experiences like dating, connection, intimacy.
Never, ever, ever say “oh you just need to love your Self first” ever, ever again.
Healing requires sacrifice.
We must lay down the stories that feed the stuckness and shame.
The ones that were passed down through the ages...the ones woven into our being.
The ones holding protection and pain.
We must shed the identities we wear as a second skin...the shrouds that allow us to hide in the wide open.
We must offer our fear, our clenched fists, our roundabout patterns to the fire and let them to burn.
We must tear apart the mythology that whispers lies of conditions and worth.
To remember our Wholeness and Truth we must lay it all out on the altar of life.
We must sacrifice all that we are not in order to become who we have always been.
You’ve had those moments...the big ahas.
The intense grace.
The healing where the skies part and things look like they are shifting. Finally.
And for this nice chunk of time, things are good.
Until they aren’t.
You wonder why. You wonder what you did wrong.
You wonder how you can get back to what was.
You may try. Flail. Scream. And fret. Desperate to get back. To go back. To make it how it used to be.
But you can’t.
The big changes that happened, whatever they were...they weren’t rooted.
They were being fed by the same stories, the same beliefs you have carried with you for ages.
The patterns may have had that sudden transformation, but what fueled them remained the same.
So, eventually, they curled back in on themselves...sliding back into the same old grooves you knew all too well.
You don’t get to go back.
That’s not the point.
The point is to do the work of the roots.
The point is to use the moment of grace as a guide.
To see what is in the way. To see what, in your roots, needs to be untangled. Destroyed. And replanted.
So that you know who you are. So that you live in your power.
And so that what you create is fueled by Truth.
Do the work.
Go to the Roots...then rise.
Shame roots deep.
Left unchecked it becomes what feeds us. What fuels us.
Deeper than that...it becomes what we pass on to the generations ahead.
Deeper still...is what we receive from generations past.
Seeds of shame lay in our ancestral lineage.
This is the shame that our grandparents felt. That their grandparents felt. Any beyond.
This is the shame they were saddled with. That shame that was twisted around them.
Some for mistakes made. Some for simply being.
And it is passed on. Passed down.
The shame...the invitation of it unmet...writhes and screams at is moves from life to life.
Whispering that we are not enough. That we must hide. That we must quit and run and prove and die.
When we, here and now, are willing to address the shame...healing happens.
We must bring the shame out from depths.
Acknowledge its roots.
Love its tender fears.
And destroy the structures that have kept you...and all those who held it before you...stuck.
Because shame roots deeap.
And our Truth Roots deeper.
I’m not interested in happiness.
I mean it’s all well and good.
I am not going to turn happiness away.
But it is a small fraction of the human experience.
There is so much to embody.
So much landscape that lives beyond the realm of happy.
I also don’t care about the shadow.
I don’t believe in it.
Not the psychological concept, anyhow.
What we close our eyes to is not in the dark.
It’s not hidden.
Because we don’t want to see it doesn’t mean it is not there.
It’s only shrouded in darkness until we are willing to open our eyes and bare witness.
And just because we don’t like what we see at first.
Just because we are afraid.
Just because we have found ourSelves in confrontation with shame and pain and judgement reigning down from the ethers.
Doesn’t mean that what we are looking at isn’t a whirling dervish of holy magnificence and possibility…we only have to learn how to see it as such.
What I am interested in, is you.
In all of who you are.
In the roots.
In the depths.
In the heights
I want to know you stand in your Self.
How you are called forward.
How you rise.
Tell me the stories that spin in your mind.
And we will find the freedom that comes from the shedding of all that is not.
I care about you feeling what is.
About you noticing the invitations of your Soul.
About you saying YES to what is.
I care about you opening your eyes.
Letting the walls crumble.
About the primal scream of life that is waiting to be born.
I want you to find your pleasure.
And let it lead you.
To the core.
I care about the magic you bring.
The experience you are willing to have.
The experience of being seen.
Of being heard.
Of being loved.
To the very essence of who you are.
I desire for you to sit in the very fire of being.
And be left with the wide open wildness that is who you truly are.
So, I am sitting here.
And I can feel this part of me.
This not so little part.
I watch her.
The little green monstery looking fluff.
Living in rage.
In smoke and mirrors.
Because being seen is on the agenda.
And she is not just hiding.
That doesn’t do her power justice.
She rips and claws.
Pulls every bit of me that she can manage behind these thick, red curtains.
For reasons I don’t think I even have words.
Yet there she is.
This scream that wants to rise from my belly.
This ache to crumple in on myself.
This paralyzing apathy that just sits.
This haze that swirls in confusion telling me I don’t know what I want, when really…I so fucking do know.
I can fight her.
Because she has a skin in the game the whole of me never will.
So I won’t.
I will love her.
Because it’s what I do.
Not because it will fix her.
She doesn’t need my patronizing glare.
But because I am more of my Self when I do.
And then I will listen.
To a knowing.
That this moment.
Is an invitation.
To not hide.
To show you.
I will remember that when I know the invitation.
I can hear my Soul.
And when I hear my Soul.
I can honor the adventure.
That is way bigger.
Than what this moment seems to be.
And though I don’t know what it all means.
I will accept the invitation.
To show up.
To not fix.
To heed the call.
To live the adventure.
To embrace the wildness of my human experience.
To do the shit that I do.
To be seen.
As I am.
In this moment.